Suggested summer reading
Remember what it felt like on the last day of school?
No more lockers, no more tests, no more essays. No more gummy bears stuck to the classroom ceiling, and no more weird looks from the teacher with the oddly placed zippers on his jacket.
It was the best feeling in the world. Followed, very quickly, by the worst bummer in the world.
Just before you reached the door, invariably, the English teacher told you about the summer reading assignment.
Oh, the humanity. She had the nerve to ruin three months of freedom with 440 pages of misery.
C’mon, Teech. If you’re going to make us stay inside, at least let us read anything we want.
Better yet, let us wait for the books we really want — even if no one has technically written them yet.
We’ve got a few bestsellers in mind. Among them:
- “Keys to a Memorable Press Conference,” by Jim Mora. The former Saints and Colts coach discusses words that produce sound bites for the ages. “Diddly” gets its own chapter. “Playoffs?!” gets seven.
- “Accepting Second Place,” by Jim Kelly. Foreword by Dan Marino.
- “Accepting Last Place,” by the Chicago Cubs. A bestseller.
- “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” by Nick Saban. Not a bestseller.
- “Doing the World a Favor,” by Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith. The formerly great writers, now full-time windbags, reveal their plans to move to Barrow, Alaska, where most people want them.
- “Fashionable Headwear,” by Les Miles.
- “Some Guys Get All the Breaks,” by Stump Mitchell.
- “Free Time and How to Use It,” by Sean Payton.
- “Glass Ceilings,” by Mike Martin. The Florida State baseball coach explains how you, too, can succeed in your profession, but never quite make it to the top. Dadgum.
- “Heaven on Earth.” Fans of the Yankees, Red Sox, Lakers, Celtics and Patriots go on a 12-month journey to Mars.
- “The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,” by Bobby Petrino.
- “The Art of Eyebrow Maintenance,” by Anthony Davis.
- “Furniture Aerodynamics,” by Bob Knight.
- “Better Living Through Chemistry,” by Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens and Sammy Sosa. The aging legends insist yet again that they never used performance-enhancing drugs, but break down the finer points of toothaches and flaxseed oil.
- “Fun and Profit in a Post-BCS World,” by Mike Slive.
- “SEC Geography: How Missouri Fits Next to Florida, Georgia and South Carolina,” also by Mike Slive. Rejected title: “Whatever You Want, Alabama.”
- “Winning When it Counts,” by Tony Romo. With special entries by Greg Norman, Jean Van de Velde, the ’92 Oilers, the ’64 Phillies and Charlie Sheen.
OK, kids; you’ve got a few books to choose from, and you’ve got all summer. So get to reading.
But don’t worry; there won’t be a test.