Dear Smiley: When you need glasses you should wear them.
One friend got up early Sunday morning at his hunting camp, went to the bathroom and put his contacts on.
He realized he could not read his text messages.
After putting on his reading glasses he realized that he could still not read and thought he might have suffered a mild stroke during the night.
He confided in one of the other hunters about his problem.
The other hunter, after going to the bathroom, asked him if he put HIS contacts on.
Sure enough, no stroke, just the wrong contacts!
Number two friend woke up during the night with an incredible itch on his foot.
Without his glasses he went to the bathroom and liberally sprayed his foot with an aerosol can he grabbed in the cabinet.
After going to bed he realized that his toes were stuck together and his foot was sticky.
Sure enough, he had sprayed his foot with hair spray and had to shower at 1:30 a.m.
See Mama boogie
Dear Smiley: Watching the Beatles on TV a few Sundays ago brought back to me and my family memories of when they first came on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”
My mother excitedly called my sister and myself in to watch the Beatles on TV.
We said, “Bugs? We don’t want to watch bugs on TV.”
She said, “No, not bugs, a rock group called the Beatles.”
When we came in from playing, Mama was watching those Beatles and jumping up and down.
From then on we were hooked.
Caesar was British?
Dear Smiley: Comments about Southern and other accents brought to mind a story about Tony Curtis, who was reported to have said, “Yonda lies da castle of my faddah” in his native Brooklyn accent during a filming of the movie “El Cid.”
Although it never happened, I wondered why Alec Guinness was never called out for his British accent, equally inappropriate, when playing the role of Julius Caesar.
Seems like a double standard.
The big chill
Dear Smiley: In Pat Shingleton’s Weather News, he mentions the Great Winter Storm of 1899.
I can confirm the facts from a small notebook my grandfather left us.
He wrote in French about the snow and sleet at Soniat Plantation in Jefferson Parish:
“On February 11th and 12th, ice and sleet fell that remained for eight days and drifted in the river for three days. It was almost thick enough to slide a skiff across the ice.”
Hail to the Chef
Dear Smiley: Just read the article on military pizza that has a shelf life of three years!
That’s the most requested instant food by our troops.
Once read an article that said pizza had destroyed family meal time in America, because it had replaced the sit-down dinner (“supper” down South).
I disagree: Tuesday was “Pizza Night” a la the Chef Boyardee pack when I was young.
Tuesday was also Pizza Night when I had my kids over for “my” night, post-divorce.
My kids still talk about that!
Dear Smiley: The story about the halved Big Mac reminded me of this story:
My second-grade teacher had a freezer in the back of the classroom. At recess she sold frozen treats — Pushups, Fudgesicles, cups of ice cream and Popsicles — the kind meant for sharing, with two wooden sticks — for a nickel. She also sold nut-covered cones called Drumsticks for a dime.
My best friend, Phyllis Morgan, got a nickel every day.
My family was poor, and I rarely had spending money.
But Phyllis was a generous little girl, and every day she bought a Popsicle and split it with me.
One day Mama gave me a nickel for recess. On the freezer was a picture of a Drumstick with a cutaway view showing the insides. From that picture Phyllis and I concluded the Drumstick could be split in two, like a Popsicle.
We pooled our funds and bought one. What a disappointment — it was half the size of the picture, and couldn’t be split. So we took turns taking bites.
The next time I got a nickel, I bought a Pushup.
Dear Smiley: In The Advocate’s “Weekend Bargains” I saw “CHESTER DRAWERS” for sale.
I couldn’t believe Chester would sell his drawers!
I thought a few pairs for everyday wear would preserve my good ones for that possible emergency hospital visit — you know, the one Mom warned us about!
Consulting with my wife Madeline before calling Smiley, I was informed the ad was for a piece of furniture called a chest of drawers, in which Chester stored his undies.
Oh well. …
ROBERT D e BATE
Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.