Smiley: Bar jokes redux

By smiley anders

Smiley will be back soon from his Well-Deserved Vacation. In the meantime, he leaves these tales from past columns.

The imposters

From Dave Lewis:

A mouse with a tiny accordion and a hamster in a tuxedo walk into a bar.

They tell the bartender that they’ll do their act each night for drinks.

They’re hired and are a big hit the first night — the mouse plays the accordion like Lawrence Welk, and the hamster sings like Tony Bennett.

The second night an outraged patron tells the bartender, “Fire ’em! It’s a phony act! The hamster can’t sing — the mouse is a ventriloquist!”

Preliminary bout

From Mel Prust:

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Quick, give me a beer before the fight starts.”

He drinks it down, then says, “Give me another one before the fight starts.”

After drinking that one, he orders another one “before the fight starts.”

The bartender says, “Hey, when are you going to pay for those beers?”

The guy says, “Uh oh, the fight has just started …”

A no-hitter

From Warren Greely:

A seal enters a bar.

The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”

The seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club.”

On the road again

From Harry Simon, of Eunice:

A guy walks into a bar with a large chunk of asphalt on his shoulder.

“What’ll you have?” asks the barkeep.

“Two beers,” says the patron. “One for me and one for the road.”

Singular event

Walt, flaunting his knowledge of Latin, tells this story:

A Roman walks into a bar and says, “Give me a martinus.”

The bartender says, “You mean a martini?”

The Roman says, “No thanks, just a single.”

Home cooking

Lew Carter says he asked a waiter, “Are those specks in my soup foreign objects?”

The waiter replied, “No, they live around here.”

Thought for the Day

From Lydia Pourciau: “A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a NEW argument.”

Short flight

Joe Glass tells of the time years ago when their son headed off to college at Louisiana Tech in his old VW bug:

“His mother was teary about him leaving the nest.

“About five minutes after he left, there was a knock on the door. He had run out of gas on Goodwood Boulevard.

“That broke the spell, and his mother about died laughing!”

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.