(As Smiley winds up his Well-Deserved Vacation, here are some tales from the past.)
Jack Tessier tells of the guy who walks into a very rough bar with his dog.
The bartender growls, “Hey buddy, I don’t allow dogs in here!”
The guy says, “But this is a talking dog. Rover, what’s on top of this building?”
The dog goes, “Roof, roof!”
Then the guy asks, “Rover, who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?”
The dog goes, “Ruth, Ruth!”
“Get out of here, and take that phony mutt with you!” yells the bartender, as he grabs them both and tosses them out.
As the guy gets to his feet and dusts himself off, the dog looks up at him and says, “Was it DiMaggio?”
John Gaspard, of Birmingham, Ala., says, “A man walks into a bar and says, ‘Five whiskey shots, and make ’em doubles.’
“The man slugs one down, then the next, and so on until all five are gone.
“Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s drinking like that.
“‘You’d drink ’em this fast too if you had what I have,’ he says.
“The concerned bartender asks, ‘What do you have, pal?’
“The man says, ‘I have 37 cents.’ ”
Richard Mason says, “A man walks into a bar and orders two martinis.
“The bartender asks him if he’d prefer a double.
“He says, ‘No, I want two singles, because one is for my friend in Seattle.’
“This becomes a habit, and the bartender always sets up two for him.
“One day the bartender is surprised when the man orders only one martini.
“When the bartender asks him why, he explains, ‘I’m on the wagon.’ ”
Joe Guilbeau, of Plaquemine, says, “One of the most traumatic days of my life, growing up in southwest Louisiana during the Depression, was the time our bathroom caught on fire.
“But we were lucky — we put it out before it reached the house.”
Charles Lee Holmes, of Chester, Va., read that scientists in the United Kingdom did a study to determine the world’s funniest joke, and chose this one:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.