Smiley Anders for Jan. 28, 2013

By smiley anders

During his 11 years in the Louisiana House of Representatives, Charles A. Riddle III, of Marksville, collected funny sayings by House members.

Charles, who went on to become district attorney in Avoyelles Parish, has put them in a book, “The Outhouse Report.”

Some of my favorites:

Jack Smith, arguing passionately for a bill: “If we don’t pass this, your 15-year-old won’t be able to go to the store for a loaf of milk!”

When Steve Windhorst said, “We can pass a law against gravity, but I wouldn’t jump off the 30th floor depending on that,” Pinkie Wilkerson responded, “Mr. Speaker, I volunteer to push him off to test this.”

Bryant Hammett, on the poverty in his northeast Louisiana district: “When you come through my district, please stop and buy a Coke to help stimulate the economy.”

Raymond Jetson: “Statistics are like bathing suits. What they expose is interesting, but what they cover is vital.”

John Travis, on a health issue: “This mortality rate is killing us!”

Riddle himself, when asked, “Are you sure about that conclusion?” replied, “Almost, absolutely.”

My favorite is by Juba Diez.

Questioning a bill that would allow the Knights of Peter Claver to have a speciality license plate, he was told by sponsor Wilfred Pierre that it was a large Catholic organization.

Juba replied, “I am a large Catholic, and I don’t belong to it.”

The witching hour

Harriet St.Amant says our seminar on home milk delivery brought back memories of the Emmadine Farms dairy in Ossining, N.Y., and its role in her high school theatrical career:

“When my family moved from Manhattan to Ossining, it was like taking a small step backward to kinder, gentler times.

“Among other anachronistic ideas, Ossining in 1953 still had telephone switchboard operators and party lines without an area code, as well as biweekly deliveries of milk and other dairy products to our kitchen door.

“One of our class assignments senior year was the reading and study of ‘Macbeth.’

“Our teacher wanted each of us to choose a short scene to enact. Two friends and I decided on the ‘Three Witches’ scene.

“In order to create a realistically bubbling cauldron, I drove to Emmadine’s main office and requested a piece of dry ice, explaining why I needed it.”

She was presented with “a piece of frozen CO2 that was larger than my fist and wrapped in newspaper. I was not charged more than just my thanks.”

“We gave a stunning A+ performance!”

A ‘Dear Abby’ moment

Annabelle Armstrong says the recent death of Pauline Friedman Phillips, better known as “Dear Abby” columnist Abigail Van Buren, reminded her of the day in November 1966 when she introduced Abby to a “screaming audience of teenagers” at Lee High:

“At the time, I edited a bi-weekly ‘Teen-Age Party Line’ for the State-Times.

“Petite and pretty, she swept into the auditorium wearing something with a white fur collar.

“She looked at the letters, the first time she had seen them, and stated that they had been ‘watered down.’ Then she read each and gave a pithy, pert answer. Later I was told that the letters HAD been culled.”

Majestic Mike

Christine Russell, a librarian at the LSU Vet School, is also a photographer who has captured Mike the Tiger at his most regal.

She will be selling photos, posters and collectible tiles at the school’s open house from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Saturday, and taking orders for note cards and canvases.

A portion of the proceeds from all sales will go to a scholarship for Mike’s student caretakers.

You can check out Russell’s work at
http://www.mikeshabitat.com.

Special People Dept.

Earline Chatelain, a native of Cottonport and a Baton Rouge resident for 25 years, celebrates her 90th birthday Monday.

Oops, wrong benefactor!

During our recent spell of heavy rain, Ernie Gremillion was having a problem with his Advocate getting wet every morning:

“I called and suggested that the carrier throw it under my carport on rainy days.

“Then the paper started appearing at my front door under my overhang, totally dry.

“I subsequently had a conversation with the delivery supervisor, telling him that although I appreciated this effort, just putting it under the carport on rainy days would be acceptable and not require him to get out of his car to place it at my door.

“The next day, while visiting a neighbor who was aware of my wet paper problem, he asked if I enjoyed him bringing my paper to my front door on his early morning walk.”

Role reversal

Marvin Borgmeyer says, “As a noted supporter of cats, I thought you would enjoy this:

“I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween, and now he won’t come when I call!”

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.