Smiley: Collection plate blues

Since Easter is the only time of the year some folks visit church, I found this tale by Dan Burkhalter, the Carencro Curmudgeon, timely:

A dollar bill met a $20 bill, and said, “I haven’t seen you lately.”

The 20 said, “Well, I’ve been on a cruise, to malls, casinos, ball games, all that stuff. How about you?”

The dollar bill replied, “Same old thing — church, church, church.”

Where’s the turtle?

Tom Cagley says one Saturday night he, his wife and another couple went to an upscale restaurant:

“The young waiter, obviously new at his craft, helped us at once.

“We noticed turtle soup on the menu. It’s one of my favorites, one you don’t see very often.

“‘Does it come to you frozen?’ I asked. He said it did not, and I was pleased. I ordered a cup for an appetizer.

“When he brought our entrees, he was taking away my empty soup cup and I told him how much I liked it.

“ ‘Lots of turtle meat in there,’ I commented.

“‘Actually,’ the young man said without batting an eye, ‘there’s no turtle meat in there at all. It’s veal and hamburger.’ ”

Tom says he was “amazed,” and the rest of the meal was an anticlimax. But “I didn’t tip him any less — not his fault.”

Knot so fast!

Joel Thibodeaux says, “My husband asked me to try to get a knot out of the drawstring on his pajama pants. After struggling with it for several minutes, by using my strong fingernails and the prong of a fork I was able to get the knot out.

“He said, ‘Thank you, you are so very, very knot smart!’ ”

(At least she THINKS he meant “knot” and not “not.”)

It cures poverty

Phil Ragusa and several other readers say our discussion of the “cure-all” tonic Hadacol and its colorful promoter, state Sen. Dudley J. LeBlanc, brought back memories of Coozan Dud’s appearance on the Groucho Marx radio show.

Groucho asked Dudley what Hadacol was good for.

Dudley replied that it was “good for five and a half million for me last year.”

Worthy causes

On Saturday, The Red Shoes and the Sexual Trauma Awareness & Response Center, with funding from the Junior League, will hold a free retreat for survivors of sexual assault from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. at The Red Shoes, 2303 Government St.

The retreat will feature “meditation and relaxation techniques, including gentle yoga, therapeutic art activities, a reflective labyrinth walk, etc., to enhance the mental and physical health of survivors and provide a supportive network of women.”

Participants must pre-register with STAR at (225) 615-7093. Call The Red Shoes at (225) 338-1170 with any questions.

Sail away!

Laura Larsen says the Pelican Yacht Club, 9000 False River Road, in New Roads holds its annual Spring Regatta & Open House from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday.

She says, “Everyone is welcome to come see the club, meet the members and watch the sailors in action!”

Go to http//www.pycl.org. or call (225) 752-6459.

Which reminds me

Back in the ’80s, I was invited to join the crew of one of the boats in the Pelican Yacht Club’s Spring Regatta.

I was pretty excited about this, and went right out and bought a pair of Topsiders for the occasion.

During the race, the captain of the vessel kept asking me to move to one side or the other.

We won, and when I was handed my gold medal with the rest of the crew, my pride was dampened only slightly when I was described as the winning boat’s “ballast.”

Looking for people

Remington College seeks minority blood donors for a United Blood Services drive Thursday from 9 a.m. to noon and 5 p.m. to 8 p.m. at the Baton Rouge campus, 10551 Coursey Blvd. Go to http www.3lives.com.

Special People Dept.

  • James Finigan celebrates his 95th birthday Monday.
  • Nita Ammon celebrates her 90th birthday Monday with a luncheon at St. James Place hosted by her three children. (Pat Ammon, of Metairie, says the invitations are purple and gold because a son-in-law is the son of former LSU football coach Charles McClendon, and “The family is Tiger true.”)

Juicy story

Shirley Fleniken describes this as a “groaner” for some reason:

This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.

One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is really excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.

The manager says no.

The bagger says, “But I’ve been working here for five years. Why can’t I run the juice machines?”

The manager answers, “I’m sorry, son, but baggers can’t be juicers.”

(OK, maybe it WAS a groaner . …)

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.