Smiley: Aged aging jokes

I can always count on you people to respond to requests for help in serious matters — such as embarrassing an 89-year-old lady.

After Denise Savoie asked for gags for a birthday roast of her aunt, a number of readers provided “You’re so old …” items.

Here are the best ones. (Trust me, you don‘t want to see the worst ones. …)

    From Francisco Lomas:

“She is so old that she once owned ocean-front property in Arizona.”

    From Loretta Toussant: “You’re so old that when you were born, the stop signs didn’t say ‘Stop’ — they said ‘Whoa!’ ”

    And from Carl Enna, of Little Rock, Ark.: “She’s so old that the bank sends her calendar a month at a time.”

Kip it in the pitch

That sounds like a cricket term, but Kevin Dufresne says it’s about an Alabama accent:

“On the way from Atlanta to Panama City Beach, we made a stop in Dothan, Ala., to buy wine coolers.

“I asked the girl at the store what flavors they had, and she responded, ‘We got strawberry, grape, watermelon, margarita, lemon lime and pitch.’

“I said, ‘Could you repeat that, please?’ and she dutifully ran through the list again.

“I asked the girl with me if she knew what the last one was. She did not, so I asked the clerk.

“She said, ‘Pitch, pitch!’ and held up a bottle of peach wine cooler.

“Naturally, we said, ‘Give us two pitches.’

“When I paid her, I gave her a couple of dollars more than the cost and said, ‘Kip it.’

“She said, ‘What?’

“I said, ‘Kip it, kip it in the pitch.’

“ ‘Kip it, kip it in the pitch’ became our catchphrase for the rest of the week.”

Ring the leprechaun

“This may be a shameless ploy to acquire beads at Saturday’s St. Patrick’s Day parade,” says Robby Zeringue.

“I’d like to let riders located on the passenger side of their floats to be on the lookout for my new leprechaun ‘target’ — a little something to break up the monotony of tossing trinkets to outstretched hands.

“I’ll be on Hundred Oaks just before South Eugene in a chair next to a very hungry, pointy-eared fellow. You can’t miss us.”

Robby explains that he’s not a bead hoarder: “I always donate the beads to some worthy person or group.”

Nostalgia, with chocolate

Elaine Favre was happy to see our mention of the Borden’s Ice Cream Shoppe in Lafayette:

“It was the customary after-movie stop for my husband and me when we were students at SLI, now ULL.

“Their malts, frappes and hot fudge sundaes were legendary.

“Another Lafayette favorite just across the corner from Borden’s was Keller’s Bakery, the source of the most delectable pastries and pies.

“Standard practice among a few of us Harris Hall girls was to go out on test night as usual but to stop on the way back to the dorm and load up on pastries to see us through a long night of studying.

“There must be some correlation between chocolate pie and an A test score. …”

Music makers

Sonny Harris, of Bunkie, says we’ve had a lot of tales of old rock bands in the area but should mention a great swing band from the ’40s from Donaldsonville: the Claiborne Williams Orchestra.

“The best music you ever heard in your life,” says Sonny.

Save the date

Jim Carruth says the 16th annual North Baton Rouge Reunion, which brings out hundreds of former residents to recall their youth, will be on Thursday, July 10, at the Belle of Baton Rouge Atrium.

Call Wayne Price, (225) 261-4386; Haskell Douglas, (225) 274-6060; or Jim, (337) 652-7325.

For the vets

The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, New Orleans District, and the Bonnet Carré Spillway Radio Control Club honors veterans from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. Saturday, March 15, at Bonnet Carré Spillway.

Residents of the VA Veterans Home in Reserve will attend the event, which features a model airplane show and more.

All veterans, families and friends are invited.

Lunch for the first 200 veterans will be provided by Jacob’s Sausage Co. of LaPlace.

Call Skip Jacobs at (504) 491-8368.

In a pinch

Here are a couple more “kids in church” stories, from Dale Powers:

“One Sunday I took my 5-year-old son, Johnny, to church at St. Aloysius, and we sat in the front of the church.

“In his sermon, the priest called for us to have ‘a hunger for God.’

“When he heard this, Johnny cried out, ‘Daddy, I’m hungry!’

So the next Sunday we sat in the back of the church.

Johnny started fidgeting during the service, so I reached over and pinched his leg to get his attention and warn him to settle down.

“He said loudly, ‘Daddy, you’re not supposed to pinch in church; you’re supposed to love!’

The next Sunday my wife took him. …

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.