While Smiley is on his Well-Deserved Vacation, he has culled some of the best stories from his collection:
Water bed, perhaps?
Donna Sterling says, “My daughter Kari is going to have a baby soon.
“The other day her son Ben, 3, asked her if he could put his hand on her tummy to feel the baby move.
“She replied, ‘Ben, I think the baby is sleeping right now.’
“With a look of wonderment he asked, ‘Oh, does it have a little bed in there?’ ”
Pat Crotty, of Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., has suggestions for husbands to ensure a happy marriage:
“Never ask, or tell, a woman’s age.
“And never tell a woman her hose are sagging — she may not be wearing any!”
The long walk
Pat from Ponchatoula talks about the value of exercise:
“My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.”
Drop in anytime
Shlomo Pielstick-Kennedy, of Galveston, Texas, tells of the Aggie who went on his first sports parachute jump.
The instructor told him, “If your main chute fails to open, pull your emergency rip cord, and the emergency chute will open. There will be a van at the landing zone to transport you back to the airport.”
They went up in the plane, the Aggie jumped out and pulled the rip cord, and nothing happened.
He pulled the emergency cord, and still nothing happened.
As he plummeted downward, gaining speed, he muttered, “With the luck I’m having, that van won’t be there, either!”
A doggone shame
Doug Behrman, of Springfield, tells of his buddy John, who used to go to his local market to buy dog food.
One day the store manager said, “John, I didn’t know you had a dog.”
John said, “I don’t, I eat it.”
The manager said, “John, that stuff is going to kill you.”
Some time later the manager saw Helen, John’s wife.
“How is John?” he asked. “Haven’t seen him lately.”
Helen said, “Oh, John died.”
The manager said, “I told John that dog food was going to kill him.”
“Oh no, the dog food didn’t do it,” said Helen. “He was lying in the middle of the street scratching fleas and a truck ran over him.”
Lydia Pourciau tells of the doctor making hospital rounds with a group of medical students. Pointing to an X-ray, she says, “As you can see, the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Micheal, what would you do in a case like this?”
“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”
Write Smiley@theadvocate.com, fax (225) 388-0351 or send mail to P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.