Smiley Anders for Dec. 24, 2012

As Smiley’s Well-Deserved Vacation continues, here are some stories from earlier in the century:

Short Sentence Dept.

Algie Petrere offers this courtroom tale:

“Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, the man said, ‘As God is my judge, I do not owe this woman any money.’

“The judge peered over his glasses at the man and calmly replied, ‘He isn’t. I am. You do.’ ”

Thought for the Day

From Mr. Ed, of Ponchatoula: “We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?”

Why we love kids

Marvin Thevenot says grandson Nolen Russo, 6, of Atlanta, was talking to his mother Claire about his grandmother, Mary McClure.

The lad asked, “Mom, how old was Gram when the dinosaurs were here?”

Linguistic battery

Bill Noonan says on spring break last year he was frolicking in the sand at Destin, Fla., when the batteries in his boom box ran down.

He asked another merrymaker if he knew where he could buy batteries, and the guy said that just down the beach was a young lady who ran a battery stand.

“A battery stand?” asked Bill.

“Yeah,” said the guy. “She sells C cells down by the sea shore.”

Wishful thinking

Frank Fronczek says his son, an eighth-grader at St. George School, has been studying misplaced modifiers:

“Examples in his grammar textbook (not ordinarily a rich source of humor) had us laughing so hard we could scarcely breathe.

“One of my favorites: ‘The mayor discussed filling the swamp with City Council members.’ ”

Thought for the Day

From Ray Waguespack, of Napoleonville: “We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.”

Speed of light

J.H. Martin tells of the guy from New York being shown around the back country of Louisiana by his Cajun cousin.

“Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” the visitor asked.

The cousin replied, “Depends on how fast you carry it.”

A note of sarcasm?

Darrell Davis was impressed when he read about a couple still using the Sunbeam toaster they received as a wedding gift 56 years ago.

Says Darrell, “I casually asked my wife Iris, ‘What are we still using from our wedding gifts 40 years ago?’

“She replied, ‘Everything.’ ”

Thought for the Day

From Shooter Mullins: “One of my worst fears about growing old is that I won’t be strong enough to open the plastic envelopes in the cereal boxes.”

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.