Smiley Anders for Nov. 28, 2012

(While I’m on my Well-Deserved Vacation, here are some stories submitted by longtime column contributor Shirley Fleniken. She might not claim authorship, but they’re still stories I like, and I’m glad she passed them along:)

Nice tries

These are answers on tests, allegedly submitted by grammar school teachers around the country:

“One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.”

“Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.”

“Rain is saved up in cloud banks.”

“Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.”

“It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.”

“Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.”

“The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.”

Nice tries, Part II

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very swank and impressive Italian restaurant.

He ordered one of the more expensive bottles of wine on the menu, and the two chatted as they sipped from their glasses.

Finally, he picked up the menu again and studied it with a fine eye. When the waiter came for the order, the young man confidently said, “We’ll both have the Guiseppe Spomdalucci.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the waiter, “but that’s the owner.”

It’s a law

You might be familiar with these natural laws:

Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!

Failure to communicate

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entrée his wife had served.

“What did you marinate this in?” he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn’t be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, “What did you ask me?”

She chuckled at his answer and explained, “I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!”

As she left the room, he called out, “Well, would you marry me again?”

Without hesitation, she said, “Vinegar and barbecue sauce.”

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.